I went to a marriage conference this weekend. It was a little awkward. Ok, a LOT awkward. From the moment that I tried to register and the online form wouldn't let me continue unless there were two conference attendee names, I felt out of place and debated going. The speakers were Mark Driscoll and his wife of Mars Hill church, and it was a simulcast of their "Real Marriage" tour. I stared at the event description online and felt God nudging me to go. I enjoy listening to Pastor Mark's blunt and funny take on marriage, and I'd wanted to go to this tour for years, so I shrugged and registered. I was the only single person there, despite the fact that it was advertised for anyone in any relationship status.
What a rich message! If you are married and happy, married and miserable, single and wanting to get married someday, or even sorting through the rubble of a broken relationship, there was truth here that will challenge you. Check it out.
The first night, I drove to the church where the conference was supposed to be hosted, and the lights were all off and the parking lot was empty. Did I get the dates mixed up? I was secretly relieved as I thought I'd gotten out of attending. This week had already been long and exhausting, and I had my son's birthday party the next day to prep for. The last thing I wanted was another late night and even grumpier kids. Just as I was internally high-fiving my chore list about freeing up time to get work done, my friend texted me that I was at the wrong place, so I corrected course and made it there in time, tossing up a prayer, "God, please don't let me fall asleep during the lesson." The first two sessions were good. They were funny and honest. I enjoyed them, but debated coming the following day. As we were leaving that night, my friend asked, "So, are you coming tomorrow?" "Sure," Crazy Bethany answered. (I don't know how to turn crazy Bethany off sometimes. She just takes over and doesn't think through things.)
So, there I was, sitting there on the second day of the conference, heavily caffeinated, surrounded by married couples holding hands, giggling, and elbowing each other pointedly, and I doubted my decision to be there. I'd laughed a lot. I had squirmed a little. I had gotten some better perspective. But why had I felt so convicted to attend? I was anxious about getting everything finished before people showed up at my house expecting a cool party. During the break that morning I thought about picking up the kids early and leaving before the final session so that I could finish my work at home. Again I felt God prompting me to stay. "Sure, why not, God," I thought. "I guess I could use an extra hour of sitting still after the crazy week the kids have given me. ...Hey, speaking of which, what are you going to do about those kids of mine anyway? I love them like crazy, but how do I control them? I need a bigger vision for our family right now. And maybe a nap. How can we bring joy and wholeness from the brokenness that we've come from?"
The final session started and Pastor Mark started describing his family history. Drunken alcohol pirates from Ireland, they moved to America to escape consequences from their pillaging. They settled into a life of potato farming, drinking heavily, beating their wives, and breaking their children, which continued until Mark's mother got pregnant. She didn't want to raise a child in that atmosphere, so she and his father moved. They broke the curse to some degree. Mark remembers visiting his grandfather with his parents as a child, and his grandfather was a miserable, lonely, broke, alcoholic, old man. Mark swore to never end up like that. When he grew up and became a Christian, he started thinking about how to build a better future for his new bride and their future family. He was the first link in a chain of generations who have the opportunity to say that they were raised by solid, godly, loving parents who had a vision for building a legacy of love and wholeness.
As he talked, I realized that this was why I needed to be there. I hadn't verbalized it like this, but I had been struggling to see beyond the broken past to the future legacy. Hope kindled in my heart as I saw a different path.
We are all selfish. Left to our natural instincts, we will only care about what we want, not what others need. In a family setting, this leads to a legacy that harms, not blesses us. Was it a blessing to grow up in your family? Did they make family choices in light of love or selfishness? Many homes are more harmful than helpful because they operate out of selfish brokenness. Rather than intentionally making decisions that equip their children to live in strength and wisdom, it ends up being more "survival mode" where the parents are just trying to be happy. "A good person leaves a legacy for their children and their children's children." What legacy do you want to leave? We need a vision so strong that we can hold every decision against that standard.
Life give many opportunities for a good time that can destroy your life legacy. A GOOD LEGACY ALWAYS BEATS A GOOD TIME. How many marriages are destroyed by one spouse ignoring their vows and choosing a "good time" over faithfulness? How many young people regret caving and choosing an exciting relationship rather than sticking to their standards for a spouse?
One of the biggest lies that I hear is that we "deserve to be happy." We have the right to pursue happiness, we're told, and if we aren't happy, we need to get rid of what is making us unhappy and find something else that will make us happy again. WRONG. God isn't in the business of making people happy. He's primarily interested in making people holy. Happiness is a byproduct of right-living. If you are making poor choices in a quest to be happy, you will end up with the opposite of what you desire. Yesterday my daughter wanted some candy that I had promised her for completing her chores. Rather than doing her work and waiting for me to get it for her, she climbed up on the kitchen counter to get it for herself. I caught her in the act, and guess who lost the promised reward? Today she came and asked me if she could try again. She finished her chores and got her four M&Ms. As I handed her four candies in her favorite colors, her eyes lit up, she threw her arms around my neck, and exclaimed, "Oh thank you! I love dem!" The best part of this choice was that she not only earned her candies honestly, she earned the joy of celebrating with me.
This week I am going to start praying and prioritizing differently. I am going to start drafting a "family legacy" for our family. What do we want to stand for? What do we want to accomplish? What do I want my children to teach their children? What stories do I want to tell my great-grandchildren someday?
What are some things that are included in your family legacies? What are some things that you want to change?
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