Struck down, but not destroyed.

This is to my friend who struggles with PTSD. This is to the woman who cries in secret and hates herself for not being all that she thinks she should be. This is to me. This is to us all.

It's frustrating that healing takes so long.

There was a time, eons ago, when I was a young, know-it-all teenager and I really thought that I was pretty awesome. I had it all. My life was pretty together, God was close and active in my life, and I was blessed and "whole."

And then everything changed. I was abused by a man from the church I was attending. It left me reeling, questioning everything. Who was I... now that I wasn't pure and whole? Who was God, and why did He allow this? What was my attitude toward the world now that life wasn't "safe" anymore?

To some degree, we will all ask questions like this sooner or later. Life is full of pain and brokenness. Good people die. Innocent people are hurt. Trusted friends betray. Evil invades. And once the damage is done, we are left to process and heal.

I am really glad that God only asks us to face into our broken parts a little at a time.

10 years later, God is still working on my broken pieces. Yet, even in the midst of the messy, healing process, somehow I am still whole. I am not perfect, but I am holy, set apart and called by God to be HIS child.

This passage from 2 Corinthians 4 has been repeating in my head today:

 "We are hard pressed on every side, but not crushed; perplexed,but not in despair; persecuted, but not abandoned; struck down, but not destroyed... Therefore we do not lose heart. Though outwardly we are wasting away, yet inwardly we are being renewed day by day. For our light and momentary troubles are achieving for us an eternal glory that far outweighs them all. So we fix our eyes not on what is seen, but on what is unseen, since what is seen is temporary, but what is unseen is eternal."

That is TRUTH. We are hard-pressed, but NOT CRUSHED; struck down, but NOT DESTROYED! 

It's easy to stuff down the hurts and broken parts from our pasts, but hiding doesn't bring healing. It takes courage to face into the pain. With deep hurts, there is no way to process all the healing at once. It takes time, patience, and the grace of God. 

As C.S. Lewis says, "We can ignore even pleasure. But pain insists upon being attended to. God whispers to us in our pleasures, speaks in our conscience, but shouts in our pains: it is his megaphone to rouse a deaf world."

So DON'T LOSE HEART! Fix your eyes on the eternal. Though life is hard, there is renewal and healing. Be brave. Even pain has a purpose. Physically, pain is merely the alert system for injury. Mentally, pain is also the alert that we have sustained injury, which allows us opportunity for healing. God can use pain powerfully. 

So tonight I am praying for healing. For my friend. For me. For us all. And more than healing, I am praying for a strength that is all the greater because of the fight. Hard-won victory is sweet, and we have the truth of God to help fight the battle.

Love, 

Your fellow-warrior

Do you trust Me?

This week was rough for me. It was long, stressful, and exhausting. I was wrestling with trying to be everything that I "needed" to be, feeling woefully inadequate, and I wound up sitting on my floor this evening trying to organize my paperwork stack... because I needed some victory, even if it was small. As I sat in a heap of papers, my sister called. My sister who is overwhelmed with her own chaos and small business and new baby son. And she listened to me pour out my heart. Even when my passion is to serve and follow God, life gets messy and confusing sometimes, so I laid out all my reasonings and fears to her, and she set me back with one question:

"If you're doing what God is calling you to do, even if it hurts and it's scary, how can it not turn out right and good?" 

Bam. I had no answer. She was totally right. I needed the perspective that sometimes life isn't EASY, but the hard times are battles that God is allowing into my life. I can lace up my boots and do battle with a whole heart knowing that the outcome will be Good. When my eyes can't see the good, God does. And I trust Him. 

Peace I leave with you; my peace I give to you. Not as the world gives do I give to you. Let not your hearts be troubled, neither let them be afraid. John 14:27

It takes a village!

Dear Village,

   I love being a mother. Even when I am so exhausted that I can't remember my own name, even when my to-do list is so long I'm tempted to lose it, even when the kids are in the back seat bickering, even when a kid pops a fever in the middle of a crazy work-week... even at the worst of times, I love being a mother.

   Not much changed about mothering once I became a single mom. The main difference is that I have to work more now, so my approach to everything has become more focused. We might not have much family time, but every weekend we head to the woods or somewhere to get away and connect with each other. I can't eat dinners at home with the kids often, but Friday is "Fancy Family Fun" night, and dinner that night is something we look forward to all week. I have very little time to relax now, so instead of popping a movie on and vegging, these days I tend to invest time into things that renew and refresh my soul. I ruthlessly carve time out of my day to spend time with God and be still. These are all positive changes.

   But there is one change that I love the most. It's not something that I wanted, and it's actually something that causes me a lot of stress, and yet God has used it as the biggest blessing for us. The change is that I went from thinking that I was a self-sufficient mom to realizing that I needed a village. A much bigger village than I realized.

   This weekend I found myself (yet again) in a freaked out panic to find child care. The babysitter had fallen through, so with hours until I had to clock in, I frantically started messaging my back up sitters. They were all busy. I pounded out a Facebook status begging for help, posted it, and hit my knees on the kitchen floor praying, "God. I hate this. I hate having to ask for help. I hate being stressed out. You know I work my heart out for my kids. Why is this so hard?"

   As I sat there, my mind started thinking back over all the stressful moments that I had hit the floor praying over this past year. I've shed my fair share of tears kneeling in that exact spot, feeling totally overwhelmed, and every time, the problem that seemed so big has worked out. I smiled and started praying again, thanking God this time.

   As I picked the kids up from a friend's house after work that evening, they were bouncing and giggling, telling me about all the fun they'd had with their new friends. Before I even started backing out of the driveway, they were pestering me to set up another time to visit soon.

   Tonight, my kids get to have a sleepover with another little friend, and they're buzzing around packing backpacks with super-hero PJs, favorite teddies, and glow sticks. (Only the essentials for my crazies.) And yet again, I am realizing how amazing their village is. They've made friends for life. They've gained mentors, "bonus family," and a huge sense of community that they wouldn't have if I had been able to structure things my way. We're heading to church in a few minutes, and my kids are totally at home there. Their faces light up when they see their favorite people, and they launch into waiting arms for hugs and love.

   So this is me, tired-but-happy super-mom, thanking YOU for being part of my village. Some of you take my babies and love them when I have to work. Some of you love, listen to, and laugh with me. Some of you are our prayer warriors, and without you, we'd be weak. ...so THANK YOU! You're an awesome village.

Lots of love,

~Bethany~

Christian's thoughts on dentists...

   Christian recently knocked a tooth loose, and since the adult tooth was so close to coming in anyway, we got to visit the dentist today to "wiggle" out the tooth. The pediatric dentist was so nice, but Christian wasn't understanding all their "baby talk."

   For example, they asked him if his mouth was getting "all tickly" yet. "Do you mean numb?" he asked. "Sort of, but I still have a little sensation right here."

   "Make sure you're flossing every night so the sugar-bugs aren't growing on your teeth, ok?" they cautioned him. "Sugar bugs?" he queried. "Are you talking about bacteria? I know that bacteria feeds off of sugar, but there aren't BUGS in my mouth."

   While they were working in his mouth he started pushing them away, so they asked what was wrong. "Sorry, but I really have to expectorate," he explained. Their faces were priceless.

   After he was done, he was sitting up and drooled. "Oops," they said, "Don't touch that red stuff. We'll wipe it up." "Do you mean the blood?" my son clarified. Then he reassured them, "Don't worry. It will clot soon."

   Oh, this kid of mine. :-)

   On the way home, we had a detailed conversation about the mechanisms of blood clotting, and I used an analogy of building a temporary dam across a creek with mud and rocks (blood clot) to hold back the water while you poured a concrete dam (tissues healing).

   Later on that afternoon I almost sent him to his room when I caught him saying "That damn thing in my mouth hurts." Yeah... he meant to say, "That dam-thing in my mouth," referring to the clotting analogy. Sigh.

   I am off to work tooth-fairy magic before I collapse for the night.

"How DO you do it?!?"

This Mother's Day a friend gushed to me, "I don't know how you DO it as a single parent! I barely get everything done myself."

Here's the secret to getting everything done... 

...JUST KIDDING. I have no clue! Parenting is a juggling act at the best of times, and I've never been great at juggling. I drop balls all the time. There aren't enough hours in the day to get everything done, so I prioritize which balls to drop and which to keep in the air. 

Sometimes the homework gets dropped and the kids' teacher asks me if the homework packets have even been making it home. 

Sometimes my budgeting time gets dropped and I thank my foresight in setting up all automatic payments. 

Sometimes I don't sleep nearly enough. I glanced in the mirror at work last night and jumped. The reflection in the glass looked like a homeless hag who had a terminal case of crazy.

Sometimes I pour the kids' cereal into cups because all the other dishes are dirty. Shoot, sometimes we skip the cereal and just eat fruit and granola bars. I tell the kids that it's a breakfast picnic. Because I'm THAT awesome of a mom.

Sometimes my car looks like Storage Wars exploded inside it because I don't have the energy to carry both kids, all the backpacks and shoes, the groceries, AND everything else into the house. I've thought about making a regular car-cleaning day of the week, but when I try to find an empty space to plug that into my schedule, there isn't one.

Sometimes my kids act up because they miss focused mommy-time when I am too busy trying to keep all the other balls in the air. This ball is one that I really try not to drop. Even if the house is a war-zone, even if the dirty dishes are looming in mountainous proportions, even if the backpacks are stuffed with undone homework, sometimes the Most Important Thing is a tickling match or a bug-hunting expedition. 

Parenting is always a game of priorities. No matter what your parenting situation, raising kids is difficult and exhausting. It requires strategy and discipline (neither of which is my strong suit). I don't get everything done, but I usually make time for fun and love in the midst of the chaos. 

My social networking posts tend to be positive and fun, and too many people tell me what a perfect mom I am, so consider this a peek into the "real" world of this mama. The world where we push the clean laundry to one side of the couch to make room to cuddle and read together. The world where we leave the house and go hiking because there is too much work to do at home, and the kids need my attention more than the kitchen counters need my attention. The world where I promise my kids' teacher that the homework will all get done... someday. The world where I sigh in relief when I log into my bank account and see that all is well, in spite of my neglect. 

But one thing is true: I am a perfect mother. Perfect for MY kids. God knew what He was doing when He designed me with my unique skill set and passions, and He knew what He was doing when he formed my children. 

Perfect mothers love their children sacrificially. Perfect mothers teach their children priorities in the midst of real life. Perfect mothers see the big picture and realize that sometimes it's ok to let balls drop for a season. 

...and sometimes perfect mothers let their children watch cartoons while the housework goes unattended in order to carve out time for some devotions and a little blog-rumination about how perfect mothers manage to get everything done. 

Hats off to you perfect mothers! I don't know how you do it! Please feel free to share your secrets with me. 

Mothers, Mothers, Everywhere!

There is an old African proverb that says:

It takes a village

to raise a child.

But when I was asked for parenting advice by a friend who was planning on starting a family soon, I wanted to give her my own proverb.

It takes a village

to raise a mother.

"Find mentor-mamas!" I told her. "You'll need them."

Some mothers are practically perfect in every way, but then there are mothers like me. Mothers who love their children and delight in rearing them, but who sometimes hide in the bathroom to close their eyes and pray for patience. Mothers who put their kids in their room for time out to buy time to brainstorm, "WHAT do I DO with this kid???" Mothers who laugh and cuddle their children in the morning and pray in exhaustion for their children to fall asleep at night. Mothers who are human, with all the shortcomings and weakness that comes with being human. Even when our kids think we're super-heroes, we're just tired mamas, trying to raise champions in the midst of chaos.

Mentor-mamas are your super power. Get at least three of them. Your own mother or grandmother might be one. You might find a mom just a little further along in her mothering journey who is able to give you valuable feedback. I have a couple "bonus moms" who mother ME as I mother my babies. Their love is empowering and humbling. To be able to call a mom and get gentle, experienced advice when I'm having a mini-meltdown is invaluable. I also have mama friends who are in the same age and stage that I am, and they are like an army of allies beside me. We giggle and sigh and share about our children, and our experience as mothers deepens.

This Mother's Day, I have a list of cards to deliver. My own mom might be in heaven, but I still have mothers. Mothers who encourage and support me. Mothers who pray with me. Mothers who laugh with me when my kids are just too much. Mothers who text me just to see how life is going. Mothers who I love.

It may take a village to raise a child, but it also takes a village to grow a strong mother. If you don't have a village, parenting is harder. Develop your village. Love your village Encourage the mothers around you. Make some extra cards this year for the "bonus mothers" in your life.

Happy Mother's Day to all you beautiful mommies!

Questions for Heaven

It's been a little over three months since my mom finished her battle and got to go home to heaven. The kids wanted to go "say hi" today, and they were really excited to see the new stone. They traced all the grooves with their fingers, asked if we could write notes on it with chalk, hopped on it to "make sure it was solid enough," paced around it to see how many steps it took, and were generally too energetic and squirmy for a cemetery. I was glad that nobody else was around to be offended.

But for a few moments, they held still. They sat beside the stone (or on it, as the case may be), and they asked questions:

- Is it fun up there, Moogie?
- Do we look funny down here?
- Do you miss us? Because I miss you.
- Can you ride jaguars and tigers up there?

...and they they started wiggling again. But that one, still moment of questions has had me grinning all day. Things look so different through the eyes of my kids. Thank God for children and their perspective.